A large portion of my mind wants to just doodle, experiment and mesh around with ideas and styles– But there’s a looming thought of doing so.

I am the type of artist that draws -rarely-. In comparison to friends and artists who are pretty big inspirations to me. While they’re spewing out 1000+ submissions or MORE a year (sometimes excluding small doodles/sketches/experimental stuff they don’t actually submit) I’m roughly sitting on about 200-300 pictures a year. (That’s including my actual doodles done privately and such too.) and when I DO draw my tank goes on empty pretty fast and it takes me some time to muster all that energy back. days, weeks, months.

That lack of energy/drive is a pretty bothersome issue for quite a few reasons– I have a CRAP ton of work that’s still needs taking care of– because if i WERE to use up all that energy– Not only would guilt sink in from the lack of work (It has plenty at times)…it puts in me a spell/hibernating type of flow– where i go days without drawing after burning out my brain with ideas and stuff. There’s work to be done. I get it.

I just find it odd.

There’s a part of me that feels i’m letting myself fall behind/growing myself stagnant because the room I give myself to grow has become restricted. small. dry. Refusing to put out anything if it isn’t work related or decent enough to be posted. (slowly getting to the point posting ANYTHING under-polished is just..not worth posting. not in the public eye.)

I have no mentors, I rarely speak to my artist friends about art related things/in general (By rare, i mean like– every other month of small chat. or 3-4 months at a time.) I don’t attend classes or online courses so teaching myself and alone can only get ya so far…and sometimes you won’t be moving and growing at the IDEAL pace…Especially if the drive isn’t there on it’s own… you know?

I use to have a bro, we pushed each other to try new things. When we found something new to play around with or try. Whenever we had ideas we’d bounce them back and forth– when one found something new we shared it with the other. blah. (That’s old news now. sadly.)

I used to enjoy experimenting and playing around with new things. Rather it be art (Both original and fanart stuff), animation (flash), 3-D (maya + zbrush) and music (I miss playing the piano, violin and just creating tunes in FL studio.)

Back then I had a ton of impulsive urges to mess around with whatever i thought was a good idea or looked fun. Learning, practicing, failing and getting frustrated. But learned quite a bit that still sticks to me to this day. Those were great and truly fun times!

I understand WHY i restrict myself– because of work and responsibility– I just don’t understand why it weighs me down so hard when it should just be easy for someone to “throw caution to the wind” and just do whatever it is you wanted to do– if that means you’re letting yourself progress and live it up a bit. The amount of energy I gain should GROW not just disappear.

I’m trying to teach myself to be a professional– With how i handle people, myself, art and commissioners.

But I just don’t feel that’s cut out for me. Trying to enforce a mindset into my head. That’s NOT me– at least not the “me” I want to be.

I don’t want to be “professional”, I would just like to be a casual artist. who draws and enjoy drawing as a hobby– With the common sense WHEN I do accept commissions and start projects– keep my word and deliver and to never treat those who support my work in such goddamn unfair ways. Unintentional or not.

Just a honest man of his damn word enjoying what I do best and love to do.

Blah.

-Dwayne